As military spouses, we have experiences that many couples do not.
One of those experiences is estate planning.
It's not often that a couple in their mid-20's (Okay, late-20's) has to sit down and make the hard choices. But due to the nature of the job, we do.
{I didn't plan on writing this post, because I considered it a private matter between Al and myself. But after further thought (and encouragement from Al to get your input) I've decided that having a discussion would probably help me get some more perspective.}
When Al and I started talking about life insurance, health care directives and POA's, it quickly became a more difficult discussion then I anticipated.
Obviously, prior to our marriage, his father was his beneficiary and acting POA.
And he wants it to stay that way.
Well, not entirely. I'm still his beneficiary for life insurance because he wants me to be "taken care of." I don't really care about the money, but it's a comforting thought.
His dad will remain his POA and in charge of any and all health care decisions that may come up.
My first instinct was anger. Which was really just masking my hurt.
I'm his wife, shouldn't I be the one to make those decisions?
Doesn't he trust me to do what's right for him?
Al: "Let me pose a scenario. I am shot in Afghanistan and I'm unable to authorize a surgery. The doctor tells you there is a 50% chance it will save my life and my quality of life will not be compromised. But there is also a 50% chance I will survive only as a vegetable or mentally and physically handicapped. What do you decide?"
Me: "To take the chance and try to save your life."
Al: "That's why I don't want you making the decision."
Me: "What? You'd rather die?"
Al: : "If the odds are 50% that I'm going to be a vegetable, then yes. And you will make the decision as an emotional, loving wife. It will be harder for you to abide by my wishes. My father can handle it."
Me: "So you don't think I can handle making the right decision when the time comes?"
Al: "I don't want you to have to any worry about it. As far as I'm concerned the decision is already made. I don't want to be resuscitated, I don't want to stay on life support, I only want life-saving devices used if the odds are better then 50% that I will live a normal life."
I sat there for a minute, unsure what to think. He's looking out for me, sure. But I still feel ripped off. I married him. I want the privilege of being a part of his life, good and bad. As excruciatingly hard as those decisions would be, I still feel like I should make them.
I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. I was frustrated, scared, hurt.
Al: "I never, ever want to put you in a situation where you're taking care of me, wiping my ass, pushing my wheelchair, feeding me mushy food. I love you too much to do that to you. And I don't want that life either."
Me: "I'm not worried about that. In sickness and in health, remember?"
Al: "I live for your happiness. I want to make sure that you can continue on and have a life. I want you to move on, get another husband, have lots of babies. I don't want you wiping my butt for the rest of your life. I'd rather be dead."
Once the smoke cleared (and the tears stopped) we agreed to create a joint POA.
It's only logical that I be able to apply for credit, deal with a lease or bank account or make other day-to-day decisions in his absence. It is also logical that his father maintain some of that authority also. After all, Al has some investments in Minnesota, and some finances tied to the farm and his family and it only makes sense that his dad is the best person to handle those things.
As for the medical decisions. For now they will stay as they are.
I'm still torn. For a couple of reasons:
1) My need for control and 2) My "legal-brain."
In law school, you're taught that contracts and legal documents are vital. So many people get screwed because they "trusted" someone to do the right thing in their absence and for one reason or another, that person doesn't.
Sure, it is extremely unlikely his father would do anything to hurt me or screw me over.
Even now, he calls me over minor documents and everyday decisions. He respects me and my position in Al's life. And ultimately I know that if a major health decision needs to be made, we'd all be sitting together, as a family, discussing it.
But I can't shake that feeling. No matter how much you love and trust the people in your life, you have to legally cover your butt.
Perhaps that makes me paranoid. Perhaps I should just trust everyone, no matter what.
Perhaps I should not expect the worst. Except I'll be the one sitting here fighting the battle if (as remote as the chance may be) things don't go as planned.
But none of my concerns or fears really matter. None of them trump Al's wishes.
Ultimately, that's what matters here. The underlying reason why I want this role is because I love him. It's because I want him to be happy, in life, in sickness and in death.
But why does that have to go against my gut instincts and push me out of my comfort zone?
Has anyone had the same dilemma?
How have you and your spouse handled these decisions?
I welcome any advice, commiseration or opinions you can share with me.
