As military spouses, we have experiences that many couples do not.
One of those experiences is estate planning.
It's not often that a couple in their mid-20's (Okay, late-20's) has to sit down and make the hard choices. But due to the nature of the job, we do.
{I didn't plan on writing this post, because I considered it a private matter between Al and myself. But after further thought (and encouragement from Al to get your input) I've decided that having a discussion would probably help me get some more perspective.}
When Al and I started talking about life insurance, health care directives and POA's, it quickly became a more difficult discussion then I anticipated.
Obviously, prior to our marriage, his father was his beneficiary and acting POA.
And he wants it to stay that way.
Well, not entirely. I'm still his beneficiary for life insurance because he wants me to be "taken care of." I don't really care about the money, but it's a comforting thought.
His dad will remain his POA and in charge of any and all health care decisions that may come up.
My first instinct was anger. Which was really just masking my hurt.
I'm his wife, shouldn't I be the one to make those decisions?
Doesn't he trust me to do what's right for him?
Al: "Let me pose a scenario. I am shot in Afghanistan and I'm unable to authorize a surgery. The doctor tells you there is a 50% chance it will save my life and my quality of life will not be compromised. But there is also a 50% chance I will survive only as a vegetable or mentally and physically handicapped. What do you decide?"
Me: "To take the chance and try to save your life."
Al: "That's why I don't want you making the decision."
Me: "What? You'd rather die?"
Al: : "If the odds are 50% that I'm going to be a vegetable, then yes. And you will make the decision as an emotional, loving wife. It will be harder for you to abide by my wishes. My father can handle it."
Me: "So you don't think I can handle making the right decision when the time comes?"
Al: "I don't want you to have to any worry about it. As far as I'm concerned the decision is already made. I don't want to be resuscitated, I don't want to stay on life support, I only want life-saving devices used if the odds are better then 50% that I will live a normal life."
I sat there for a minute, unsure what to think. He's looking out for me, sure. But I still feel ripped off. I married him. I want the privilege of being a part of his life, good and bad. As excruciatingly hard as those decisions would be, I still feel like I should make them.
I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. I was frustrated, scared, hurt.
Al: "I never, ever want to put you in a situation where you're taking care of me, wiping my ass, pushing my wheelchair, feeding me mushy food. I love you too much to do that to you. And I don't want that life either."
Me: "I'm not worried about that. In sickness and in health, remember?"
Al: "I live for your happiness. I want to make sure that you can continue on and have a life. I want you to move on, get another husband, have lots of babies. I don't want you wiping my butt for the rest of your life. I'd rather be dead."
Once the smoke cleared (and the tears stopped) we agreed to create a joint POA.
It's only logical that I be able to apply for credit, deal with a lease or bank account or make other day-to-day decisions in his absence. It is also logical that his father maintain some of that authority also. After all, Al has some investments in Minnesota, and some finances tied to the farm and his family and it only makes sense that his dad is the best person to handle those things.
As for the medical decisions. For now they will stay as they are.
I'm still torn. For a couple of reasons:
1) My need for control and 2) My "legal-brain."
In law school, you're taught that contracts and legal documents are vital. So many people get screwed because they "trusted" someone to do the right thing in their absence and for one reason or another, that person doesn't.
Sure, it is extremely unlikely his father would do anything to hurt me or screw me over.
Even now, he calls me over minor documents and everyday decisions. He respects me and my position in Al's life. And ultimately I know that if a major health decision needs to be made, we'd all be sitting together, as a family, discussing it.
But I can't shake that feeling. No matter how much you love and trust the people in your life, you have to legally cover your butt.
Perhaps that makes me paranoid. Perhaps I should just trust everyone, no matter what.
Perhaps I should not expect the worst. Except I'll be the one sitting here fighting the battle if (as remote as the chance may be) things don't go as planned.
But none of my concerns or fears really matter. None of them trump Al's wishes.
Ultimately, that's what matters here. The underlying reason why I want this role is because I love him. It's because I want him to be happy, in life, in sickness and in death.
But why does that have to go against my gut instincts and push me out of my comfort zone?
Has anyone had the same dilemma?
How have you and your spouse handled these decisions?
I welcome any advice, commiseration or opinions you can share with me.
6 comments:
I am sole POA so I haven't had to really think about the trust issue. But we've had the tough talk about my husband's wishes, and the fact that some of them do differ from what I would wish. Like you, I would always want to do everything possible, no matter what. But like you said, nothing trumps our husbands' wishes. We went over every scenario we could think of (and he's a nurse, so it was pretty detailed) and I wrote down exactly what he said and agreed to go by it. I just pray it's never even an issue and I never have to look at that notebook again! I do see a positive side to not being in the position to make the decisions though, because some situations are just judgment calls, and it would be really tough to live with the guilt if there was a bad outcome.
My husband and I did not know each other during his first deployment and his father was POA at that time. When we first started talking about the paperwork for this deployment, he told me that he was going to make his father POA "to make things easier." I was really really upset. I was in tears because it felt so hurtful. We were married and I felt like he was saying he didn't trust me to take care of things while he was gone. He really did think he was making things easier for me because then I wouldn't have to worry about things that came up and they would just be taken care of for me.
We talked about this a lot, and ultimately I explained to him that we are married - it's me and him - not anyone else. We are a family and it doesn't feel like that if someone else is dealing with our banking or other issues. This is what we signed up for by getting married. We are each others' person. I didn't want someone else controlling aspects of my life. I wanted that control and I felt like I deserved it to feel like a true wife. In the end, he gave me power of attorney. Just last week I needed it to cancel his health insurance from his civilian job (something he forgot to do). This would have been about 100 times more difficult if his father had to deal with it from out of state while I sat on my couch (down the street from the office) unable to contribute.
As far as the medical stuff is concerned, this is a tough call. The job of a healthcare proxy is to act on behalf of the patient's wishes and not their own. You have to sit down and have a serious and in depth conversation about different circumstances and how they would be handled. If you can't separate your own feelings from the wishes of your husbands, then it's not the best role. He can also write up an advanced directive (which basically states what he would want in all kinds of different situations). That way it's laid out on paper what his specific wishes are and what he would want done. This is hard and it's a very personal decision.
Sorry that was long!
OccDoc has an advanced directive that lays out what he wants. I just have to follow it in case of the worst case scenario. In regards to me I told OccDoc to, 'Just do whatever.' It's really tough. I wanted to leave my dad as my beneficiary mainly because I'm lazy - I still have one life insurance policy yet to change (what, it's only been 3 years or so). I'd recommend the advanced directive and talking about Al's and your wishes. AND share those wishes with both of your families! Good luck!
My husband never changed his POA from his mother (his first and only deployment began before we dated), so we haven't talked about it yet. I would hope he would change it to me if he deploys again. I can't pretend I wouldn't feel hurt, too. I understand what your husband is saying, but I think it's still emotionally hard to handle.
It seems odd to me that in a situation of 50/50 live a normal life or die that he would choose death. If it is a fear of being a vegetable, my understanding of the term vegetable would mean he would require being attached to life-support machines. If you could respect him not wanting that and be willing to make the decision to authorize him being "unplugged," I think he should consider your interest in being his medical POA.
Also, I think that JAG will draft different types of POA's, or list within them what it does and does not include. So, Al could have a POA drafted that gives you the right to decisions for everything except medical (and the family farm decisions, or whatever else you are fine with being out of your hands.)
Another option would be to include you, his father, and a third person who has his wishes at heart to be joint over his medical POA. (The third person would be a tie-breaker if you and his father disagree.)
I think I most agree with the idea that was put forth about having him make decisions about specific things and having it in writing beforehand. There can be more than just life or death options. Not to put more on your plate to have to consider but an example would be: they think it might be best to amputate a limb, do you go for it or wait to see how things develop over the course of a few days or weeks?
Another thing Al could consider is seeing if he can have an advanced directive placed into his military file. (When I pre-registered at the Army hospital before my son was born they actually had me fill one out, it basically asked if I wanted to be revived if I crashed while in their care. Of course, at the bottom it had an addendum that said if I crashed while in labor or during delivery they were going to attempt resuscitation no matter if I wanted it or not!)
I do have to commend you on making these decisions beforehand, as hard as they can be. Volunteering with my husbands FRG you would be amazed at some of the situations I have encountered/stories I have heard of things that have happened because couples didn't have these kinds of discussions before it was necessary.
Oh, one last note. If there are things you think you may be handling if Al has to leave, check with those organizations beforehand about the POA they will accept. On my husbands most recent deployment some spouses ran into issues with banks, creditors, and a couple of other things because their Soldier left them a general POA and company they were trying to do business with required one that specifically gave them power over bank accounts, or credit cards, etc.
I tried posting this, I don't know if it went through...blogger is acting funny again.
I don't know if I have a right to say anything as I am not yet "married" into the military but I have a very strong opinion about this. ...and its doubtful my opinion will change, as it has not over the past two years (during which time I continue to learn more and more about the way the military works.)
I agree with you I want to be in the loop. Even if there is an advance directive, even if the choice is hard, even if I have to make a hard decsion I don't want to. When I say yes and I do to Mr. Man it will be know that I am assuming hard choices. I want them to be mine. I want us to discuss them. I know that this was, is and always has been a concern, responsibility and possibility...from the first date to the last breath my decision has been to support him and his career. That means "signing" on for the hard stuff to. I met Mr Man after he was already in the military, after he had established his "career", just as he came back from one deployment and was already talking about when the next one would be. I knew that if I could not deal with the hard stuff I had no buisness in his life. (Lets just complicate this a bit he has children.) From day one he asked me if a deployment, military, etc was a deal breaker...My response was a thoughtful delebarate? NO. Did I understand at that time the ramifications, NO. Do I understand them all now? NO. What I know is that I have surrounded myself with those who can educated me about the "hard stuff". I have read all I can get ahold of and [whether you believe God has a place in the military] I have prayed that God would bring those people in my life that would provide me the were withall to navigate the military. It has been amazing to see the people I have met online in and real life. The odd ways we have been intoduced that cannot be a coinicidence. ...my best friend has become someone who is retired military. What I knew was that I could not do this all on my own...I knew I needed a "military education". Over the past two years I have learned so much, and found out I know so little...my response is still NO A DEPLOYMENT IS NOT A DEAL BREAKER. Even,now. Even being more prepared for what the "hard choices" could be. My feeling is you invited me in your life, you invited me on this roller coaster...don't kick me off the ride just because things get bumpy. When I say I DO IT WILL BE FOR BETTER OR WORSE, no matter what the "worse" is. My feeling is if I can make that commitment level to him, then I get an opionion, a vote, and I get the POA. Parents love their kids I know that, but there is nothing like the love of a wife for her husband. ...and that love will always dictate that we use our heads (and our hearts) to make the best decision for our spouse. They signed up the military, but we signed on knowing the RISK.
-LaDonna
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