A Long Trip Alone

{Warning: this is a long post. It is also a late-night stream-of-consciousness, so bear with me. I needed to get this out.}


My husband is a beautifully strong man. Sometimes, he is strong to a fault. He struggles to see the value in sympathy and compassion. He doesn't naturally recognize the need for encouragement and the recognition of others. And he does not, ever, find it necessary to worry, wallow or pity oneself.

In many ways, I envy these traits. His ability to stand clearly for who he is an not waiver to others is admirable. His constant get-up-and-get-the-job-done attitude is one of the things I love and respect about him. Sometimes, though, I feel as though his toughness is a defense mechanism - to keep him from "going soft" on emotions and losing track of what needs to get done. Sometimes, I want him to feel more.


Because I feel. A lot. 


 I am fiercly independent and wholly passionate. 
And I am strong, confident and meticulous.

I don't need validation from my husband. I don't need him to make me whole or strong or capable. That is a fact. It is a fact upon which he fell in love with me. That unyielding desire to follow my dreams and the strength that carries me through it is one of the things that I draw from within myself. Not from anywhere or anyone else.

At the same time, it is human nature to seek approval from others, to seek companionship, to desire a sense of belonging. God intended for people to pair, to mate and to go in life together. While I don't need Al, I do want him. I want him to be proud of me. I want him to lift me up when I need a boost and to remind me why I desire the things I do. I want him to want those things from me.


After all, life is about the journey, right? It's not about the end. We all die sometime and I'd rather look back on my life and know that I was surrounded by love and family and good people rather than plaques and awards and accomplishments. Ultimately, successes are empty if you can't share them with someone. 

Without Al, I would still get up tomorrow and I would still accomplish many things. I would do it without his support, or the support of others. But that doesn't mean it's my first choice. No one wants to go it alone. I don't want to go on this journey without Al. 
Given the choice, I will always want him by my side and me by his. To celebrate the successes and to strengthen each other when the going gets tough. 


Without him, life would still go on, but it is an awfully long trip alone.