How to get in your own way

Al and I have significantly discussed marriage. To the point that it's a surety we're headed towards that step. The plan has always been to get married post-Army/law school in 2012.

A few weeks ago, I brought up the idea of making it sooner. Doing the traditional small, legal ceremony and then the whole hoopla-shindig-extravaganza in 2012. I thought it would make more sense to have some control legally and financially in our lives together and that getting married sooner would facilitate that.

After talking with my family and reflecting on it further, I wasn't sure what I wanted.

I came to the realization that two things are very important to me:

1. My family; their approval and support and that they love him like I do

They simply haven't had the time to feel this way. While I know how long we've been together, it feels like a much shorter time to outsiders because of the distance. It's not like a normal couple who are physically "together" when they date for 2 years. Most people wouldn't think that's "too soon" to get married.

Mind you, my parents are supportive and would probably say yes if he asked for my hand. But I DO NOT want ANYONE in my family doubting us. Divorce is a scary thing and something I don't want to be a part of AT ALL. My family knows me better then most and if they think I should slow down a bit, I'm going to listen.

2. The Army cannot dictate our decision

This was our rule from the beginning. That I didn't want to get married because he was deploying or because we were separated. Recently, that was fuzzied by other sentiments and I forgot how important it was to me to have the decision be OUR decision, free of Army influence. This means waiting until after Al's contract is over and I am through with school.

My sister summed it up like this:

"You have your whole life to be married to him, there's no reason to rush it!"

After all this reflection, I told Al how I was feeling about it.

And I was instantly reminded what an amazing man he truly is. His response:

"We're not going to do anything your family isn't on board with. I love you and WILL marry you, and we will wait until your family and YOU are 100% comfortable with that."

(How can you NOT love a man who respects your family that much?!)

Fast forward to last night, we are web-camming about his leave (he gets here in 29 hours! eek!) and things he wanted to do. A while back he had mentioned taking a weekend trip to NYC or Chicago. I asked if he had planned that further. He responded that he didn't think the trip was going to happen because he "had bigger things planned for it, and now that has changed."

I'm far from stupid and knew exactly what he meant. In the course of all this marriage discussion, I apparently gave him the impression that I didn't want him to propose either. I've always thought anything longer then a traditional 1-year engagement was a little silly and I'd shared this fact with him. After further thought, however, I've started to feel as though it's a great way to show commitment to one another while we're still separated by distance, regardless of how long it will be before we get married.

I still want to marry him, and I still want people to know that.

I just don't feel comfortable moving the wedding-part up.

And now I've "controlled" myself right out of a proposal. Goody.

I'm pretty upset with myself. I can't exactly dictate when he does it, and I don't want to. But in the process of being careful about the marriage part, I destroyed any hopes of the proposal part. And I can't go back and change it.

When I asked him why he didn't just "go with his gut" and do it on leave anyway, he responded with: "because if I was actually going with my gut, I would have proposed during R&R [back in February] and I knew you weren't ready for that."

The thing is, he's been ready to marry me for quite a while. And it has always taken me a little longer to come around to the various phases of our relationship; not because I doubt "us" or even that I love him less. In actuality, I love him so much, I want to make sure I still have my head on straight when making decisions of finality.

So, in an effort to be more careful, I screwed up the one thing I really wanted. And I've got to say, I'm more upset then I thought I was. I didn't sleep at all last night. I can't say I was thinking about it specifically - perhaps it's just overall nerves - but it did affect my ability to clear my head.

For now, I can only prepare for tomorrow, when that amazing man in uniform gets off that plane in Minneapolis and kisses me for the first time in 7 months. That is something NOTHING will stop me from enjoying!