Life Lesson #1: Find a direction of Faith

{Post 1 of a 6-part series of lessons I've learned throughout my life's journey}

I was baptised as an infant in a small, inner-city Lutheran church. It was the same church my grandparents sang in the choir, my aunts and uncles and cousins all attended, and my parents were married in (many years later it would also be the site of many cousins's weddings and both my grandparents funerals.) It's one of those churches with huge stained-glass windows and a massive pipe organ. Much of the church is the same as it was 40 years ago and will probably be the same in 40 more.

It's a beautiful church and certainly a huge part of my childhood, but it was cold and impersonal. It wasn't a very welcoming environment to cultivate a relationship with God. So, for a while I just went through the motions.

As a young teenager, I started attending church with my father. The church was a Pentacostal Assemblies of God church. I can't speak for the Assemblies of God faith as a whole, but I can certainly say on behalf of this particular church that it was exactly the opposite of the Lutheran church I grew up in. Which was exactly what I was looking for at the time.

I went to summer camp, snow camp, Wednesday night youth service, Friday night youth bible study and of course, Sunday service. I made great friendships and really enjoyed myself. My junior year of high school I went on a mission trip to England to help teach kids about God and learned even more. Soon, though, I started realizing something about my involvement in this church - it came at a cost.

When I started being really active in the church, I was encouraged to purge unhealthy and "unChristian" things out of my life (whatever the heck that means.) I threw out all my Backstreet Boys posters (because those obscene hip gyrations were a direct insult to God) and Teen Beat magazines (can't have that filth around.) I started telling all my friends (including my bestie, Thank God she stuck with me!) that they were a bad influence and I would be spending the majority of my time with my church friends (who were CLEARLY better Christians then they were.)

The worst thing that happened (and perhaps the worst thing I've ever done) was when I told my Grandmother that she was going to hell. Yep, those exact words. I'm surprised she didn't hit me. She should have. She would have been justified.

I'd love to say the look on meine Oma's face was enough to wake me up to reality, but it was still a year or so before that happened. It actually happened shortly after my England trip.

We had spent over 2 weeks in the country-side of England working with small-town schools and churches. I was expecting the trip to involve reaching out and giving the kids places to learn and worship as opposed to "spreading the word of God." But when I found myself walking up to kids on the street and pushing my faith on them, I realized I was mistaken. Granted, many of the things we did were a huge help to the schools, but a lot of it was not what I thought God wanted me to do with my time.

When I started vocally questioning my faith, talking to youth group leaders I'd known for many years at this point, I was shocked at the response.

I attended this church because it was fresh and forward-thinking. Because it was based in education and community and allowing a safe place to make friends and work on your relationship with God. Or so I thought.

Instead, the reaction I got was disgust. Anger that I dared to question their teachings. That CLEARLY there was ONLY one way to interpret the bible and live accordingly and the fact that I doubted that was simply abhorrent. I was told I was going to hell.

It was THAT that woke me up. I realized that what they had just done to me was exactly what they had taught me to do to other people. I had detached myself from my family and friends because these people said they had my best interests at heart. They obviously didn't.

I was so ashamed. I was scared to go back and tell my father that I didn't agree with the church he'd come to love (and still attends to this day.) I was the most ashamed to return to the family I'd been so terrible to - the real people who loved me and supported me - and tell them how wrong I had been. But I did.

And if there is any act on this earth that serves as the best example of a "good Christian" it is that of forgiveness. My family forgave me, unflinchingly. And that day I walked away from the church. It broke my father's heart - and my relationship with him and his wife remains strained to this day as a result. Perhaps not surprisingly, he was the least understanding about it.

Reflecting back on the whole situation, I should have seen the flags.

~The pastor won't marry you if you have dancing at your reception

~They have "alternative proms" so you won't go dance/drink/become impregnated at your highschool prom

~They encourage students to go to college at ONLY their promoted Christian colleges

~They encourage "tithing" or giving an offering of money to the church every month, even if it means foregoing your bills (which is the one that really floors me!)

But when you're young and searching so hard for a place to fit in, it's hard to see past the people who say they love you to the reality of who they are. It took me a long time to get back to a healthy outlook on religion and faith.

Most of my college years were spent educating myself on various religions throughout the world, including a better understanding of various Christian cultures. I also spent a lot of time improving myself and my personal relationships (especially repairing the relationships with people who I'd hurt so much.)

After all, the best way to stand by what you believe is to have a truly educated and honest grasp on what others believe. Which is where I am today. I believe in God. I live to be the best person I can, flaws included. I love and forgive and work hard. I am always re-checking my faith to make sure I'm on track and staying strong.

Christianity isn't about how religious you are or how many people to "bring God to." It's about living by example; being a good person and trying your best to love the people around you the best you can. It's about friendship and respect. It's about education.

It took me a long time to find the best way to live out my faith. I'm so blessed that my friends and family forgave me for how I treated them and since have encouraged my new faith-based attitude. Most of all, I'm glad God was patient while I figured out how to best honor Him.