I don't want to survive deployment, I want to master it.
From the beginning of Al's deployment, I've tried to look at it as a challenge; as something that would test (and definitely improve) our relationship; as a indicator of our commitment and bond to one another.
I don't think simply "getting through" is enough.
Perhaps this is partially because I'm a type-A, shoot-for-the-moon, work-my-ass-off, kind of gal. Mostly though, I think it's because we're not married yet.
As I've mentioned before, Al and I chose not to rush into a wedding before he deployed. Instead, we wanted to handle this deployment (and my time in school, which is equally stressful) first. Coming out on the other end happy, healthy and committed would be a good indicator that we were ready for the next step. We didn't want to get to the post-deployment phase and realize we'd changed and didn't want the same things anymore. So we chose to go into the deployment as a dating-couple rather then marry.
{NOTE: Don't get me wrong, the alternative is an excellent option for many couples. I know many of my fellow blog-ladies and other friends that chose to do the wedding quickly and prior to deployment and they are happily married. That just wasn't the right solution for us. And don't think I don't realize what I risked in making that decision.
I don't get the marriage benefits of being in the military (as I've discussed before), and there are other big legal and logistical factors to consider.}
But for us, we wanted marriage to be the RIGHT decision, and the ONLY decision.
Really then, deployment is a test. And it's a test I want to ACE.
Al has been gone 7 months, although he had mid-leave (15 days in February) where he was home for a bit. During that 7 months, I really believe we've gotten stronger.
Sure, we've had our fights (who hasn't?!) and we've struggled through figuring out what we want and need from each during this time (and going forward.) Many of these things takes other couples years to figure out. All in all, we have learned so much from these months and it has made us closer.
~ How to fight fair (with ears open and with respect)
~ How to ask each other for help and tell each other what we want
~ How to reach for our individual goals AND make goals together
~ When to forgive, forget and move-the-heck-on-'til-a-later-time
~ How to appreciate laughter and prayer (and the healing qualities of both)
~ Why talking, even about the small things, is so important
And finally...
~ That no matter what, you CAN be a good friend, partner and lover (and parent, though we don't have kids) even when an ocean separates you
Some might think we're crazy, but I truly believe that when this is over we, as a couple, will be unstoppable. Unshakable. Happy.
Not only will we have survived deployment, we will have conquered it.
What have you learned during separation (or multiple separations) that made you stronger as a couple?
13 comments:
Survive and Thrive!
I think it's critical in my relationship with Dave that we can talk about what is frustrating us (from our daily lives, something that we do to annoy each other, etc.) and talk about it separately from whatever issues we might be dealing with. Also, I learned that if you start a sentence with "you always" or "you never," the conversation won't end very well. So I try to steer clear of that language.
I try to lift Dave up by reminding him why I love him and why he is important to me... keeps things in perspective, I think.
Aww, that's great! You two have such a great attitude.
Girl you are AMAZING! You motivate me!
My husband is scheduled for his first deployment this summer, but we've had plenty of several week long separations. Those first separations brought us closer together because we both learned that we're a lot stronger than we're given credit for. I think you have to truely stand on your own two feet and get know yourself before you can bond with someone else.
Nick and I always make sure we say I love you. No matter what fight we have over email or phone call. That assurance let's us reflect on the silly things we said, and we apologize immediately.
We also talk to each other as if it's the last time we ever will.
I know that sounds depressing, but it's true. I don't want my last words to him to be something I will regret.
I guess that falls in the always say "I love you category"
And, I make sure my hubby knows I'm here kicking butt and taking names. First deployment for us was about growth and understanding.
I had only been a wife for 5 days before he left.
This deployment, we know what to expect and we make sure we value the time we are able to email or call.
Oh, and I always send him a picture of my face with my expression of the day. lol! He loves it and it takes his mind off of the bad.
awesome post! i definitely agree with you - deployment shouldn't be a time to simply just survive, but to learn to thrive, to grow, to challenge yourself and (for me), to become a better woman, wife and mother.
max and i found out we were preggo with L two months before he left for boot camp and a lot of people thought that maybe we should go ahead and get married before he began his marine corps career. but we look at that time apart much as you look at this deployment with al - a time to figure out if marriage was indeed the right decision - we didn't want to rush into anything just because he was going away and i was preggo. i definitely admire that you are doing it too (and on a much longer scale than i did - max was gone for boot camp for 3 months and then we only saw each other about every other month until he deployed - but your deployment has so far spanned 7 months).
and what i've learned so far (even though i still feel like such a newbie - even though we've been doing this for over a year and a half now!) is not to sweat the small stuff. there are so many things i see couples who live together (mainly a lot of my friends) all the time get into arguments about or take for granted. and i have learned that most of those things really don't matter at all. i think having a man in the military puts a lot of things in perspective. and max and i work our best to never end a conversation in an argument (especially because in our men's line of work, we never know if that'll be our last conversation or not) or disagreement - i know, this is hard to do! and i do my best to always remind him how much i love him, am on his team and support him! ok, i am rambling on. but really, i liked your post a lot!
Oh, gosh. What haven't I learned during our separations would probably be a shorter list! LOL! I think that the two big things I've learned are how to communicate and how to appreciate the time that we do have together.
I'm actually shocked at how much close 'can' bring you if you let it. I'm not sure why but LoverBoy & I have still yet to get in an argument while he is deployed. The first time it was 7 months & I just remember being a very scared 20 year old...we had only been married about a year & a half so we were still very much in the "honeymoon" stage (I still think we are! HAHA) & I was lucky to talk to him every 2 weeks...so our minutes on the phone were very precious. Our second deployment was another 7 months but this time I had our son who was 13 months old & was 6 months pregnant when he left, he was so worried about me since I was so pregnant & we knew I'd be having a repeat c-section! We got to talk about once a week that time around & we got to see each other on webcam along with the babies. He was able to be on the phone with me during my entire c-section & we heard our daughters first cries together over the phone...as much as it hurt my heart that he couldn't be there to hold her...I couldn't help but think of what an incredible man he was to be able to deal with it. I just remember crying together on the phone & knew we were so much stronger for what we had just gone through than what we'd ever been before. I think it's important to put each other first just like you would if they were home! :o))) Sounds like you guys have a good plan & it's working for you guys & that's what really matters!
You GO girl! (ha!) I have noticed that prior to long training (NTC and being out in the field), schools which separate us (ranger school and some others he has done) and deployments all put us into this "separation mode." We are instantly independent and more self-reliant. And although we are thinking about each other constantly, it's like this "mode" makes us less dependent on hearing from each other or depending on each other. But my favorite part, is as soon as the separation is all over, we are right back together as though we were never apart. :)
I think it is definitely a rare "survival tool" that sets us mil families apart. :)
Good for you! Seriously I think you guys are incredible!
I couldn't agree more with you on this! You guys did what was right for you and I'm sure it will all work out how its supposed to. :) My husband and I got married 3 weeks before he left for bootcamp, but we had been engaged for a year and were engaged before he ever mentioned joining the Navy. It wasn't what I was expecting him to do, but what can I say? I love him more than anything so I accepted the fact that our life and first year of marriage wouldn't be like most peoples. As for surviving deployments, this is our first one...so everyday has been a learning experience. If anything I have learned to take nothing for granted. My heart skips a beat every time I see a new email from my hubby, or whenever my house phone rings. (for some reason the ship phones won't let him call my cell..ughh!)I'm always praying its him and every second we have on the phone is so precious to me!! I will admit that as hard as I try, we still have had our share of fights...but I always make sure to tell him How much I love him...even if we're fighting at the time. You never know when your last conversation could be (as sad as that is to say) and I just wouldn't be able to forgive myself if something happened to him and we had been fighting over some petty nonsense. This deployment has opened my eyes to how many blessings the lord has given me, and made me appreciate the amazing man in my life. Everyday is a challenge, but attitude is everything! Sure you will have those days when everything is going wrong, and you might have a nervous breakdown and cry (its happened to me plenty of times in the last 8 months!) but you must always pick yourself up and try again. And if nothing else trust in the Lord to give you the strength and determination you need to "Master" this deployment! For me, I know it is not something I can do by myself, I know the Lord is the only reason I've survived the last 8 months mentally and emotionally...and I'm praying for the strength to get through the last few months of this nightmare I call deployment!
That's awesome! We definitely had a whirlwind romance (as I like to call it) but no regrets. I'm sure our life would've been easier had we taken our time but hey I've never made my life easy on myself!
I think what we've learned from our separations during training is a greater appreciation for one another. We've learned that it takes a lot of sacrifice on both our parts. I've learned that I am stronger than I give myself credit. And there isn't anything that I wouldn't do for the comfort of my children, including squashing huge spiders. I'm overcoming my fear of being home alone (definitely magnified with children). But most importantly, I've learned to minimize my complaining of what I previously thought was lack of involvement on my husband's behalf. There's a lot he does for us, his presence alone speaks volumes. He's learned that he can't time with us for granted :) We've learned to communicate better. Now if only our kids had learned something from this experience ;)
Oh dear!!! You hit home with this one. I am definitely putting you on the spot on my next blog post, everyone should get to read this. I think you are strong, smart young woman and you know what you want from life, marriage and future. I am so happy you are not rushing into marriage and even with the risk of being unmarried yet with a deployed lover, you understand how gruesome this military life can me and guess what, you won. You have conquered it all. I cannot wait for your man to come home to you, so you can have the perfect wedding you've always dreamed of.
Thanks for writing from the heart!
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