Life Lesson #3: Love Myself First

{part 3 of a 6-part series of lessons I've learned throughout my life's journey.}

{So this entry was later then I expected. I started writing it and it went a much different direction then I wanted it to go - so I scrapped it and took a different turn.}

Along with my spiritual journey, I did a lot of discovery and personality building. Mostly though, I had to come to terms with my body (like most teenagers do). Physically, as a kid, I was built like a boy. I was tall, lanky and flat as a board. I had the bumps and scars to go along with it, since I played hard like the boys too. I had a long, thin face and weighed less then 80 lbs.

I was a gymnast and had the body for it (which is basically none other than muscle.) But the time I was 15, I was about 95 lbs., 5 ft. tall and could bench my body weight. I also had long, stick-straight, hair down to my butt. I went through the typical teenage angst over my body and hated Jr. High. I was a book worm and a total nerd, which is never really "cool."

Then came the summer before high school. I first got one boob. Yes, just one. I remember being so excited and running into my room to show my mom and grandma. Then, over the course of 3 months I grew 7 inches, gained 20 lbs. and developed C-cup boobs. I finally got my period (at 15 - way late!) and felt like a real woman for the first time in my life.

(I have since grown a few more inches and a few more pounds and my boobs are a (much-too large) 36D.)

I was stoked to enter high-school with this new body. To be noticed. To be pursued.

I went shopping for new clothes for school, thinking that would help even more.

Turns out, high school was pretty cool anyway. I met a lot of great people, many whom I'm still friends with today. I had a lot of great experiences and really enjoyed the education (did I mentioned I was a total nerd!?) And when all was said and done, it had nothing to do with my body or my physical appearance.

This was the first experience I had with loving myself.

The whole virginity/HPV thing happened and my views changed again.

Then I met my first serious boyfriend, who we'll call N. N and I met at work (see a trend, ladies?!) and I thought he was a nice guy. We were friends for a few months when we started dating. And for 4 months it was simply amazing.

He was a gentleman. He was sweet and funny as hell. He worked hard.

But, he was a gamer. For those of you who don't know, that means he plays RPGs (role-playing games) on the computer. Specifically, he played World of Warcraft (WOW).

He lost direction and started playing WOW for hours and hours each day. There was a incident where I was wanting to get rowdy and I decided to distract him from his game by getting undressed. I did and told him that he "could take me now."

His response: "In a minute, I'm in the middle of a raid."

(I refuse to get into the details of the game, such as what a "raid" is - - partially because I hate that game and also because I'm embarrassed to admit that I even know the details.)

A minute passed, 20 minutes passed and I went to bed.

This became a normal thing. I wanted his attention and he wanted to play his game.

I can't say that didn't take it's toll. I started smoking (there were MANY, many other stressors that lent a hand to that, too.) Then, we broke up. Actually, he broke up with me.

It was the day after I took the LSAT.

I had been stressed and studying all week, but by Friday I put the books away and wanted to go out and do something relaxing and fun before the test on Saturday. Instead, he wanted to play his game and I got pissed. He broke up with me Sunday, in the middle of a party we were hosting AT HIS PLACE. He was dropping out of school and felt like he was stretching himself too thin, so the girlfriend was the next to go. I was devastated.

4 months later, we got back together. He was definitely different and things were much better. At first. I started involving myself more in school and advancing in my job. I started expanding my horizons with travel and education and I poured myself into everything I could. And I left him behind. When we would discuss our future, it was always weird and uncomfortable. He didn't want kids; I definitely did. He was a small-town guy who was OK with his current life and didn't see that changing. I wanted more, SO MUCH more.

We tried for another year to force our goals into something that would work for each other. I wanted him to follow me. I wanted him to want different goals and to understand my goals. I wanted him to change his mind about kids. I tried to make him into something he wasn't. As a result, the relationship exploded.

We fought for about two months straight. We fought about everything. We started going through the motions. We were both so unhappy. But we hung on to the hope that we could get through it. Until we couldn't anymore. The break up was extremely hard. The break-up was emotional and painful, but respectful.

And I wasn't ready to let go. Neither of us were. We both dated other people and we both tried to move on. But we still slept together sporadically, which lasted WAY longer then it should have. We still spent time together, laughing and enjoying the good stuff. And I'd find myself broken-hearted all over again every time. Until I decided to break the vicious cycle.

I realized that I was going back to the comfort of the past rather then moving to the future. I wanted him to love and support me; I wanted him to motivate me and comfort me; I wanted him to be what I needed all the time. And he wasn't Truth was, I was a much different person after 3 years of college and I was finally becoming the person I wanted to be.

That person wasn't going to be with him. I was ready to love and support myself; to give myself the strength and motivation I needed to go forward in life.

He was/is a fantastic guy and he was SOOO good to me. But we weren't good for each other.

The bottom line is this: you have to know who you are and what you want before you can ever be in a relationship with someone. I figured those things out while I was with him, which pulled us apart instead of bringing us together. Our journeys took different paths and we weren't able to give each other what we wanted and needed.

I say this to women all the time - you can't expect someone to love, support and respect you unless you love, support and respect yourself first.

Life Lesson #2: Guard your heart and your body

{part 2 of a 6-part series of lessons I've learned through my life's journey.}

{This particular post is pretty personal, so I apologize in advance. It's also very long.}

Since I grew up in such a religious household, one of the major concepts predominant in my life was purity. The idea that one's virginity was a gift to give to one's future husband. It was not only a continual trend in my church life, but it was reiterated in abstinence-based health class AND in my home life. I certainly can't say that was a bad thing.

Although when my spiritual life took the turn that it did, some of my life views went along with it. I looked at things less like a strict rule and more like a guideline of morality that can be interpreted different ways depending on my circumstances. And I believe that's still true.

Nevertheless, when I first walked away and started my journey of figuring out what I really believed, I didn't make the best decisions. I was 18 and headed off to college, after all. It was the time for experimentation. It was time to try new things and learn who I was.

Let me back up a bit before I continue with the story. When I was 16 I got a job at Wal-mart. It was actually a brand new location opening up and I knew one of the managers so I got a job pretty easily. And I stayed for two years. During this time, I met a nice guy (who we'll call D) who became a great friend of mine. He was 5 years older than me and charming as all get out. I crushed on him pretty hard and spent a few years cultivating a great friendship (although I always wanted more, he did a good job of keeping me around - man, was I young and stupid!) Even so, I considered him a great friend and someone I really trusted.

Fast forward...I'm 19 and in my first year of college (experimenting, remember.) I'd been to my first keg party and had been on a few dates here and there. I got my tongue pierced and a tattoo. Plus, I had decided along the way that I was ready to lose my virginity. I still didn't want it to be a one-night-stand or some random person I didn't know very well; but I didn't feel the same way about virginity being a precious flower for your husband's garden. (The movie Now and Then, anyone? ha ha.)

So, when I was home on break I spent some time with D and decided since we'd been friends for so long that he was the perfect person to lose my virginity to. I mean, I trusted him, right? I never really had any real conversation with him and I certainly wasn't confident enough to ask the right questions (ie: do you have a condom? do you know I'm still a virgin? etc...) Even so, I thought I was ready and I spent the night. And we had sex.

The first time is never good, but mine was worse. In retrospect I'm sure it had a lot to do with not having feelings for the person. As I've determined in my many years and the partners I've had since, sex really, REALLY is better when you love someone. I digress...

The sex was terrible. It was awkward and completely uninteresting. Half-way (about 1 minute) into it, I almost started laughing. What was the big deal about this sex thing anyway? How can people think it's that good when this is all there is? Another 60 seconds later and he went outside for a cigarette. OK. Thanks.

He came back with a glass of water. It was the least he could do, I guess. I remember sitting there in the dark, putting my clothes back on feeling so extremely weird. I told him it was my first time and he said, "oh, I didn't know." (Of course not, you can't read minds, I thought.) I left in the morning headed over to my BFF's house. She said almost immediately that she knew and didn't say anything until we were in the car on our way back to college later that afternoon.

6 months later I'm at Planned Parenthood (getting birth control because I didn't have health insurance.) I'm in stirrup-position, high-and-dry, and the doctor tells me she'll be right back. A few minutes later she returns and tells me she's done. I get dressed and she writes my prescription. Before I leave, she pulls me into another room and sits me down.

Dr.: "You have HPV."

Me: {blank stare}

Dr.: "It's a sexually transmitted disease. Are you sexually active?"

Me: "Umm..."

{Active? No. Not with multiple partners. There was D, and then my current boyfriend.}

Me: "Not really, I mean, umm...I've had sex."

Dr.: "Well, do you know anything about HPV?"

Me: {shakes head}

Dr.: "I'll get you some information, but I can tell you the basics right now."

I sat there for 20 minutes while she rattled off the facts. (18 different types; most curable or without symptoms; some permanent; 4 happen to cause cervical cancer.)

I had one of the 4.

I swallowed. Hard. What did all this mean?

I left the clinic with a huge stack of brochures and flyers about HPV.

Dr.: "You need to call all your sexual partners and tell them."

Huh? ALL my partners?

I cried the whole way home. I told my BFF, crying more. Once I calmed down, I called D.

When I finally got the words out, I awaited his reply.

D: "Well, I knew my previous girlfriend had it and that I probably got it from her. I didn't think it was a big deal. I mean, it doesn't affect me or anything."

I felt like I had been punched in the face. He knew and he didn't tell me. He knew and he didn't have the damn decency to give me all the facts before we had sex. On the other hand, I didn't ask either. I wasn't mature enough to even know the questions to ask, let along have the guts to ask them. I trusted him, so I figured he'd tell me if there was anything I needed to know. I never spoke to him again.

I had one abnormal pap smear, followed by a colposcopy. The results were a slew of pre-cancer cells on my cervix. No problem. Easily removable, the Dr. told me. No worry of cancer or anything, just a precaution. So I had the cells removed and was told I needed to return every 4-6 months for follow-up screenings. To this day, I am VERY aware of my health, especially of my female parts.

I spent the next couple months feeling extremely down. I was sure I had a neon sign on my forehead that read "dirty STD girl." I was sure people could tell and thought I was a whore. The only thing that got me through, besides my family and friends, was that I read A LOT about it. I wanted to know everything I could.

My HPV makes me more susceptible to cancer and other STD's. It may interfere with childbirth or even the ability to conceive, although it's rare. It can cause cervical displaysia or other conditions of the cervix. (Every year, 12000 women are diagnosed with cervical cancer and 70% of them are women with HPV.) There are many other minor symptoms or inconveniences, but those are the worst. I've had "the talk" with every partner I've had since then. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have it any other way. I couldn't do to someone else what he did to me, especially someone I cared about. The good news is that it doesn't affect men really at all. They can get lesions or genital warts (the main physical symptom of HPV), but the worst is that they can carry it an pass it on to their future partners.

So I made sure to tell every one of them so they could do the same going forward. I also took it upon myself to educate my friends on the virus and how to prevent it.

{Quick note: If you've never had the Gardasil injection, DO IT! Even if you're monogamous or married, or if you already have HPV. There are many strands and you can never be too protected.}

The biggest lesson that came from this was the following:

It doesn't matter how much you trust someone, it is solely a woman's responsibility to protect themselves. It is MY responsibility to ASK for a condom. To ask if they've been tested. To ask for double birth control. It's MY responsibility to protect my heart AND my body. In a defiant effort to lose my virginity rather then "gift it" to my future husband, I ended up with an entirely different "present" altogether. I can never take it back. But I can do my best to protect myself and my future family. I hope you gals do the same.

Life Lesson #1: Find a direction of Faith

{Post 1 of a 6-part series of lessons I've learned throughout my life's journey}

I was baptised as an infant in a small, inner-city Lutheran church. It was the same church my grandparents sang in the choir, my aunts and uncles and cousins all attended, and my parents were married in (many years later it would also be the site of many cousins's weddings and both my grandparents funerals.) It's one of those churches with huge stained-glass windows and a massive pipe organ. Much of the church is the same as it was 40 years ago and will probably be the same in 40 more.

It's a beautiful church and certainly a huge part of my childhood, but it was cold and impersonal. It wasn't a very welcoming environment to cultivate a relationship with God. So, for a while I just went through the motions.

As a young teenager, I started attending church with my father. The church was a Pentacostal Assemblies of God church. I can't speak for the Assemblies of God faith as a whole, but I can certainly say on behalf of this particular church that it was exactly the opposite of the Lutheran church I grew up in. Which was exactly what I was looking for at the time.

I went to summer camp, snow camp, Wednesday night youth service, Friday night youth bible study and of course, Sunday service. I made great friendships and really enjoyed myself. My junior year of high school I went on a mission trip to England to help teach kids about God and learned even more. Soon, though, I started realizing something about my involvement in this church - it came at a cost.

When I started being really active in the church, I was encouraged to purge unhealthy and "unChristian" things out of my life (whatever the heck that means.) I threw out all my Backstreet Boys posters (because those obscene hip gyrations were a direct insult to God) and Teen Beat magazines (can't have that filth around.) I started telling all my friends (including my bestie, Thank God she stuck with me!) that they were a bad influence and I would be spending the majority of my time with my church friends (who were CLEARLY better Christians then they were.)

The worst thing that happened (and perhaps the worst thing I've ever done) was when I told my Grandmother that she was going to hell. Yep, those exact words. I'm surprised she didn't hit me. She should have. She would have been justified.

I'd love to say the look on meine Oma's face was enough to wake me up to reality, but it was still a year or so before that happened. It actually happened shortly after my England trip.

We had spent over 2 weeks in the country-side of England working with small-town schools and churches. I was expecting the trip to involve reaching out and giving the kids places to learn and worship as opposed to "spreading the word of God." But when I found myself walking up to kids on the street and pushing my faith on them, I realized I was mistaken. Granted, many of the things we did were a huge help to the schools, but a lot of it was not what I thought God wanted me to do with my time.

When I started vocally questioning my faith, talking to youth group leaders I'd known for many years at this point, I was shocked at the response.

I attended this church because it was fresh and forward-thinking. Because it was based in education and community and allowing a safe place to make friends and work on your relationship with God. Or so I thought.

Instead, the reaction I got was disgust. Anger that I dared to question their teachings. That CLEARLY there was ONLY one way to interpret the bible and live accordingly and the fact that I doubted that was simply abhorrent. I was told I was going to hell.

It was THAT that woke me up. I realized that what they had just done to me was exactly what they had taught me to do to other people. I had detached myself from my family and friends because these people said they had my best interests at heart. They obviously didn't.

I was so ashamed. I was scared to go back and tell my father that I didn't agree with the church he'd come to love (and still attends to this day.) I was the most ashamed to return to the family I'd been so terrible to - the real people who loved me and supported me - and tell them how wrong I had been. But I did.

And if there is any act on this earth that serves as the best example of a "good Christian" it is that of forgiveness. My family forgave me, unflinchingly. And that day I walked away from the church. It broke my father's heart - and my relationship with him and his wife remains strained to this day as a result. Perhaps not surprisingly, he was the least understanding about it.

Reflecting back on the whole situation, I should have seen the flags.

~The pastor won't marry you if you have dancing at your reception

~They have "alternative proms" so you won't go dance/drink/become impregnated at your highschool prom

~They encourage students to go to college at ONLY their promoted Christian colleges

~They encourage "tithing" or giving an offering of money to the church every month, even if it means foregoing your bills (which is the one that really floors me!)

But when you're young and searching so hard for a place to fit in, it's hard to see past the people who say they love you to the reality of who they are. It took me a long time to get back to a healthy outlook on religion and faith.

Most of my college years were spent educating myself on various religions throughout the world, including a better understanding of various Christian cultures. I also spent a lot of time improving myself and my personal relationships (especially repairing the relationships with people who I'd hurt so much.)

After all, the best way to stand by what you believe is to have a truly educated and honest grasp on what others believe. Which is where I am today. I believe in God. I live to be the best person I can, flaws included. I love and forgive and work hard. I am always re-checking my faith to make sure I'm on track and staying strong.

Christianity isn't about how religious you are or how many people to "bring God to." It's about living by example; being a good person and trying your best to love the people around you the best you can. It's about friendship and respect. It's about education.

It took me a long time to find the best way to live out my faith. I'm so blessed that my friends and family forgave me for how I treated them and since have encouraged my new faith-based attitude. Most of all, I'm glad God was patient while I figured out how to best honor Him.

Interview

I normally wouldn't do this, but I'm going to. I'll just leave out the details.

I was interviewing for a receptionist job at a law firm. Today, when I got there I was early (about 15 minutes - I like to make a good impression on interviews!) The lead attorney who had interviewed me was offering the job to someone else. I was bummed because I figured he'd come over and inform me they filled the position and send me on my merry way.

But he didn't.

Instead he came over and asked me to follow him into another attorney's office. It was there that they told me they CREATED a law clerk job for me, because I interviewed so well and I "seem sharp." I start tomorrow! I am so elated!

I will still be starting the life lessons posts tonight, but it may be a little delayed. Either way, stay tuned. And thank you to all of you who sent happy thoughts my way - it totally worked!

Monday

I don't like Monday mornings. Who does, really?

This morning is no exception. Although there is no particular reason.

I woke up over and HOUR before my alarm clock. An HOUR. On Monday. Blech.

It just started everything on a bad note. So far, nothing major has happened, but that little weirdness of sleep dysfunction has put me off on the wrong foot for the morning.

Hopefully, I'll snap out of it after my coffee (and in time for my follow-up interview at that firm.)

As I previously mentioned, I have some posts I want to do this week involving lessons I've learned throughout my life. Some might interest you, others might not.

They will be honest and raw, possibly even something sad (and definitely some TMI!). I hope that you will continue to read diligently, because a lot of this is about me wanting to put these stories into words (a self-reflection of sorts.) And since I feel so close to many of you, what better way of doing that then to share some detailed stories of major events in my life on the semi-public blogging world?

In the meantime, I leave you with a photo.

Remember when I won THIS contest? Well I did. I received the polish and LOTS of mani/pedi goodies this past week. This weekend, I decided to give myself a mani/pedi before I headed to the pool at my friends house. The blue is such a fun, summer-y color! Thanks Brittney!

I have since removed the blue and replaced it with a more professional color because as awesome as it is for a weekend at the beach, it's not the best color for an interview at a large, high-profile law firm.

Happy Monday all!

The Rider, the Elephant and the Path

First, I want to give say a warm "what-up?" to all my new followers! If you should know anything about me, it's that you can ask/tell me anything. I encourage commenters and welcome commentary. Please enjoy my blog!

{That being said, I'm wondering if the "What I'm Wondering" meme is dead. No one has linked up for this weekend yet and only 2 people linked-up last week. The first week did well and it's sort of dissipated since then. I'm thinking it has a lot more to do with the amount of meme's out there hosted by other blogs and mine simply didn't make the cut.

I'll give it one more week and put the kibosh on it if it doesn't go well. If any of you have strong opinions on it, please let me know.}

I am a member of a gym (Life Time, a chain here in Minnesota and across other states, sort of like Bally's or LA Fitness.) As part of my membership, they send out a monthly publication called Experience Life. Normally, the issue comes and I glance through it for any good recipes or work-out tips and then I toss it. Rarely do they offer much more then that.

This month was a little different. I saw the headline of this article and stopped to read it.

I am so glad I did.

The article talks about the battle between our emotional selves and our practical selves and how hard it is to encourage any real change in our own lives as a result. The author compares the emotional self to an elephant; emotional, concerned with immediate results and satisfaction, the pleasure-center. It also happens to be the part of us that controls our fighting instinct, our nurturing (and parenting) personalities, and the part of us that gives us courage and determination. It has both bad and good qualities.

So does the rider. The rider is the practical thinker inside us. It's the part of us that wants to get up early to get a run in before we head to work (while the elephant really, really enjoys sleeping in.) The rider looks at things long-term, acts as decision maker and provides direction. Problem is, the rider tends to over-analyze things and tires quickly when doing so.

Still in a fight between our two selves, the elephant will always win.

That is where the path comes in.

The path is the whole picture. Its our life; our destination; our goal. It serves as a guideline of where we are and where we are going. If we are unable to get the rider and elephant to agree and take action, perhaps changing the path is another option. Change direction, or end point and perhaps the rider and elephant will be better equipped to work together and get things done.

This article was so interesting to me. With all the stresses that I've encountered in my life (school, deployment, money, etc...) it's often difficult to get any real change to occur. Often times I shut down, letting the elephant take over a simply meander down the path with no concern of where and when I'll get there. Unfortunately, I get there and more stress exists because I'm picking up the pieces or turning around to backtrack.

Especially regarding deployment, when things get especially hard, it is SO important the make sure the rider stays checked in. That I'm reminding myself WHY I do this and what the pay-off is. That I continue to set goals, some short and some longer, for getting through this adventure.

Most importantly, I need to remember that when all else fails, maybe I need to change the path. This doesn't mean changing where I'm going, but maybe how I'm getting there. This became a huge reality last night when I was web-camming with Al. We were (again!) discussing some of our communication issues with his bad attitude and my over-emotional self. He had suggested a handful of times that we cut down on the daily chatting (which end up being 2 hours or so if we want them to be - - I know, I'm so spoiled and I should just shut up now - - but I remind you that it's only been about 1 month of this. We spent our first 7 months of deployment with semi-weekly, 10-minute phone check-ins because he was in the field.)

He suggested this because he just can't shake his attitude right now.

See, he's stuck in an office, doing tasks completely unrelated to his job and getting more bored by the minute. When he transfered into this new unit to take this job (which of course he was was volun-told to do) he got a new chain-of-command which he doesn't care for. All of these things are contributing to his disposition and he doesn't see either changing any time soon. So, his suggestion was instead of trying to change our individual attitudes (his very much an ultra-rider and mine very much an ultra-elephant) that we change how/when we're talking (ie: change our path.)

I've always been really hesitant to do this because I worry that we're voluntarily cutting down how often we talk to each other - what if something bad happens and we get to talk even less? Or worse! What if something happens and we never talk again? I'm going to feel guilty that I CHOSE not to talk to you last night. Nevertheless, we are a couple that is ever-changing to our circumstances and we both work HARD at our relationship (as any good couple should.) So, I reluctantly agreed to work out a system. We can, of course, still contact each other if something big happens or we had a rough day and need the pick-me-up, but otherwise, we're spacing out our talks.

We hope this does two things: ONE, it allows him to have his crappy days without coming home and crapping on me and TWO, it allows me to cool my emotional heels and be in the best mind-set (maybe more like heart-set) to talk to him. Finally, we hope this change of path will get us back on track to a happy, healthy and lifelong relationship with miles and miles of road to go. I'm letting the rider take over because frankly, the elephant is getting tired of carrying your stupid ass!

What I'm Wondering Today...Late Edition

So, I'm a little late. All the exciting events of yesterday threw me off my game. Still, the link-up will only be open until Sunday at midnight, so link-up immediately!

This week, all the questions are in honor of the lovely storm we had last night.

1. Have you ever seen a tornado/hurricane/funnel cloud in person?

2. Have you ever lost power? Tell the story.

3a. Have you ever been caught in a storm while driving?

3b. Have you ever driven TO the storm on purpose?

4. What do you normally do when a storm hits?

5. What's the craziest thing you've done in a storm?

My Answers:

1. Yes, a handful of times I have seen both funnel clouds and tornadoes. That's the worst of the weather we get in Minnesota since everything here is so flat and we're not by an ocean.

2. A handful of times. Never anything TOO bad. I've been without power for a couple hours here and there. Last night, the city that Al's family lives in got hit hard and they've been without power now for over 12 hours. Because they're so far out of the city, they were told it would be another 12 before a truck would be able to come out. Luckily, the farm has a generator, so all the siblings and their kids are camping out there.

3a. The worst was once in college when I was driving home (about a 2 hour drive) and about half-way a hail storm hit. I'd had my baby (car) for less then 2 years so I was very protective. I drove to the nearest bridge and parked underneath. I sat on top of my car and watch the hail bounce off the road. Once the hail stopped I kept driving, although it was extremely difficult to see and the rain was coming down hard.

That doesn't even take into consideration all the times we drive in the snow - we are Minnesotans after all! I've driven in a couple really, really bad blizzards. It's funny, I never think of that as severe weather. Ha ha.

3b. No, but I have grabbed a cocktail and sat on the covered deck to watch lightening storms. Only during thunderstorms am I brave enough to try that, I don't mess with tornadoes.

4. As a kid (and now that I'm on my own), I typically lived in apartments or small townhomes with no basement. In my current place, I have to sit in the closet because it's under the stairs and the only room with no windows. I remember in school when we'd have to all huddle together in the hallways with our heads down until the bad weather passed.

5. I used to be a real pansy when it came to storms so I can't say I've done anything too crazy. I know there have been a handful of times that we've finished boating or golfing before going in, only to realize that lightening hit within half a mile from us.

{By the way: this is one of the most beautiful mornings we've had yet this summer. Everything is green and fresh; the sun is shining and it's a clear, warm morning. I might drink my coffee on the front stoop just to enjoy the aftermath of last night's storm.}

Stormy Skies

Well, today was a great day! The interview went well. They actually called me back for 2nd interview on Monday! It seems pretty promising.

My afternoon with Kaylee was simply delightful. Little L is one of the most beautiful babies I've ever seen. She has the best disposition and if I ever wanted a baby before, I definitely want one now! Oh, Kaylee was wonderful too! We went for a great walk around the neighborhood (about 5 miles) and she got to see my school, the Governor's Mansion, etc... We stopped at Dunn Bros. for a nice lunch and then back to my place to chat some more. It was really a great afternoon and I really, really hope we'll see each other again very soon.

Of course, neither of us took pictures, despite having both our cameras. I guess we were too caught up in conversation and enjoying little L. Hopefully we'll do better next time.

Then this happened...

Blue skies and downpour = bad, bad storm

Then it turned to bright white sky...

Then the hail came...

At this point they were talking lightning, severe hail and even tornadoes so I hustled my butt back inside. Problem is, I don't have a basement. I am on the 1st floor of a 3-floor building, but I'm completely surrounded by windows. That is, except for the hall closet, which happens to be under the stairs.

So, I grabbed my laptop and hunkered down in my closet.

I had with me the things I love the most...my laptop and my shoes. Ha ha.
(Forgive me for my horrible hair. After our long walk, the rain and how treacherously warm my apartment is, there was simply NO hope for a style other than this.)

So, not only does my closet house my beloved shoes, tonight it even housed me and my guilty pleasure (junk TV on my laptop) and sheltered me from the storm. It has now passed and settled into a calm, sleepy rain. And honestly, it was a fun end to a great day!

Recipe

It's official ladies, I am a cook. My culinary skills still have not expanded beyond the basics, but I am so excited for the things I've learned recently. I wanted to use my crock pot and see if I could get ONE of the recipes for my 101 in 1001 list. I've never really made a broth and I knew I wasn't going to make one from stock.

The only part I actually had a recipe for was the broth. I had chicken bouillon and wanted to make sure I did that part right or it would end up being more of a vegetable salad.

I even had to evaporate my only milk on the stove top since I didn't have any cans!

Are you proud yet?

The rest of it was a self-created recipe. I didn't have onions or celery or carrots like many soups call for, so I made my own.

Here is the recipe:

Broth:

4 c. water

1 c. evaporated milk

1 tbsp. bouillon granules

1/4 c. butter

Soup:

4 red potatoes, cut into chunks (peel if desired - I didn't and really like the results)

1 can corn niblets

1/2 can black beans

2 cubes of Velveeta

Steps:

Stir broth ingredients together in a saucepan (if you have to evaporate your own milk, do so in a separate pan and add the ingredients to it once the milk is the proper consistency.)

Cut potatoes in chunks and put in crock. Add corn and beans to crock.

Add broth to the crock pot and stir. Add Velveeta chunks and stir again.

Let it sit on low heat for 6 hours, stirring regularly.

Season to taste - but I used a few pinches of pepper only.

Feeds about 4, but since it's a pretty light soup it's not a meal in itself and would more likely serve 2 with kids. I also chose to sprinkle a little extra cheese on top of mine, but my friend did not. I am a cheese fanatic!

Hope you all enjoy my experiment!

{p.s. I have two great things going on today. ONE. I have another interview to be a receptionist at a law firm. TWO. I am meeting the lovely Kaylee at Small Wonders and her beautiful little girl L. We are going to walk around my great neighborhood and get lunch. I will update you on these things later.}

Another Award

I received this award from Staci at Rambling Military Wife. Thank you, Staci.

The rules are that I tell you all the things I {heart} and then pass it along to others.

I {heart} my crazy, magic, sometimes almost tragic, awful, beautiful life. (Yes, I stole this from a country song.) Or to put it another way (using another lovely country song), life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride!

I really, really {heart} country music. (Can you tell? ha ha) It's a story, it's real and there is always a song that happens to be EXACTLY how I feel right now. Country music says things in ways I never thought I could.

I {heart} this beautiful summer Minnesota is having. We've had a few rainy weeks (which is good for the farmers) but mostly gorgeous, sunny, warm days.

Finally. I {heart} Al's way of making me totally hacked and turned on all at the same time. I'll never understand how I can be so frustrated and want to kiss him all at once. He's special like that.

And now to pass the award on to some blogs I {heart}:

Blessing at Musings of an Army Wife

The Annoyed Army Wife

Ashley at Ashley Amazing

Army Wife at Word from the Whites

Jordan Streetman at Southern Hospitality

When it came to a close last night, I did not win Navy Doll's reader's choice award for best Book-Worthy Blog! That's OK. I am so ecstatic that I was even nominated. It really makes this blogging thing so worthwhile to have such an amazing group of readers who think I'm swell. (Swell...hmmm...not the best word choice, but it's staying.)

On another quick note. I've got something brewing next week that I hope you'll find interesting. I am thinking of a handful of posts about the life lessons I've learned so far in my life. Some of them will be extremely raw, sad, exciting, etc...

Hopefully, you guys will stick with me on the journey because they are some things I've never put down in words and I am looking forward to it!

Turning the Page

I want to start off by thanking ya'll for your continued support and readership! I really appreciate all your kind words and constant reminders of how great life really is.

You clearly deduced that Al and I have had a rocky month. Not rocky in the sense of losing faith in our relationship or love for each other. THAT's not going to happen. Just a rough time, 8 months in to the deployment, with the end on the horizon. We're both exhausted. After ANOTHER silly fight over that care package I sent him, I called time-out.

I told him I wanted to stop, take a deep breath and check in with each other. All couples go through rough days, weeks or months. The great couples check in and sort stuff out. And the strong, lifelong couples turn the page and move on.

So we did. No sense hashing over the same thing (He has a bad attitude because, well, his job sucks and he's surrounded by men who don't talk about things; I am crabby because I'm not busy enough to keep my head occupied and I tired of this deployment.) Instead, we decided move on. Rather then continue to get upset with each other over things that are really out of our control right now, we would get back to basics.

And here are the basics:

I love him, more then words. I can't be near him right now and that sucks. We are both on edge because of it. When you get past that inevitable fact, it's so worth every gosh darn agonizing second. I would do it again and again. I won't always smile and I can't say I won't bitch and complain, but I'll do it. Why? Because I love him and I want to spend my life with him.

When you look at it that way, who cares if some days are little rough. At the end, he's coming home to me. So, we're turning the page, nearing the end of this chapter and ready for the next.

Bring it on!

Why Me? Wednesday

Why did it take until my last day cat-sitting for the cats to decide to puke and poop in two different areas of the house? Why did it have to happen at 6 AM?

Why did I have to stop in the middle of mowing the lawn due to rain, only to have it rain sporadically throughout the afternoon preventing me from finishing? Why does the yard look silly because 1/4 of it is un-mowed?

Why do I expect my cool care package ideas to get big reactions when they usually get an un-enthused "thank you" and a barely-smile? Why do I continue to get my feelings hurt when it's my fault for thinking this one is cooler then the last so he'll HAVE to like it? Why was his favorite part the pack of cigarettes (his favorite brand which he can't get over there) that we agreed was to be his LAST pack ever? Why do I even send care packages?

Baby Sister's Birthday

Ginger and I - 5 years ago at Mom's wedding

My sister (aka Ginger) turned 21 yesterday! Yikes!

Truth is, as with most college girls, she's not entirely unfamiliar with the bar scene or drinking. Nevertheless, it's still special when it's official AND legal.

It also happened to be her golden birthday.

So, early afternoon, I drove down to my alma mater (where she attends school now) to spend the night with her. I wanted to make sure she was safe, had a ride home AND of course, had fun! A couple friends of mine came with to enjoy the celebration (specifically my BFF, Linus who's been waiting for this day since the first time Ginger visited us at college when she was 14.)

Her first year on the cheer team

At an away game, showing her spirit. I love this because it sums her (with her stellar sense of humor and silly attitude) perfectly!

Ginger is a cheerleader for the hockey team. The school plays D1 (the highest level of college sports) hockey and happens to be pretty darn good, so she gets a lot of local "fame." She made captain this year! Most of her cheer girls came out, a few friends of mine and a handful of other people.

Photo from last night

She works at a local sports bar, so that was the inevitable place to start. Turns out, by the time we left there and made it back to her apartment, she was ready for water for the rest of the evening. She drank for a good 12 hours - making sure to eat plenty and space it out with water. She's a total trooper and I am so proud of how responsible she was with the whole thing.

One of the many times she dyed her hair - she's finally old enough to appreciate being a red-head, although she looks beautiful no matter what!

She's beautiful, as you can see. She's sweet and fun. She has the most amazing sense of humor and can lock onto a room in seconds. She's compelling and charming. Did I mention that she's Pre-Med? And she's my best friend.

Checking In

I'm back from the overnight festivities of my baby sister's 21st birthday. It was the perfect amount of fun, libations and responsibility. She's safe, happy, and reveling the enjoyment of a night well-spent. I will regale you with the story tonight.

In the meantime, I am checking in quickly to read-up on the blogs I missed in the last 24 hours. I've gotta say, since I took the data plan off my Blackberry (as part of the money-saving plan) and I no longer have access to my email, Facebook or blog unless I'm home in front of my laptop, my life seems a little empty. I can't wait until Al gets home and we get our new phones and I regain my access to the world. But I digress...

First, I want to direct you to Navy Doll's blog. I was nominated (YAY!) for Book-Worthy Blog in her reader's choice contest. Please go vote for me. There are some cool prizes, which I would be totally stoked to win. Even more then that, I am so incredibly honored to even be nominated - and therefore completely grateful that my blog readers think I'm that interesting to read! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Second, I received this award from K at Beautiful Mess. The rules are to tell 10 things about yourself and pass the award on to other bloggers. I'm going to challenge myself to do "quick facts" of one sentence each for all of them. So here goes...

1. I dyed my hair once and will never artificially alter my hair again.

2. I am totally thrilled that I get to renew my passport next year.

3. I want a dog really, really bad.

4. I wish the Lifetime by my house had a pool.

5. I wear size 9.5 shoe and a size 8 ring.

6. My favorite flower is the yellow tulip.

7. Both Al and my sister told me I look slimmer, however I've lost no weight.

8. I have a smallish, purple-red mark on my arm that doesn't hurt or itch and I don't know what it's from.

9. My apartment hallway doesn't smell like weed today.

10. I am having a good hair day despite not touching it since last night.

I pass this award on to the following blogs:

(I'm not really sure what the award is "for" so there are no real stipulations other then I like you and want you to have it! And I tried to pick people I haven't picked before.)

Annoyed Army Wife

Reina at Semper Gumby

Whitney at Everything Happens for a Reason

Ashley at Ashley Amazing

The Prom of the Army

Have any of you enlisted wives been to the Army Ball?

Al informed me of a mandatory ball coming up post-deployment. He of course doesn't want to go. I of course, do. This spurred a lengthy "conversation" about what it is.

He seems to think I don't know what it is and if I did I wouldn't want to be a part of it.

When I was 20, I flew out to 29 Palms to see my friend (current roomie) who was a Marine. We drove out to Vegas for the Marine's Ball. I had an absolute blast dressing up, eating dinner and then walking the strip afterwards. It was all expenses paid and was a lovely event.

This, and the few details in books and other sources is what I base my opinion on.

Let me be more clear, though. The REAL reason I want to be a part of it is because I feel like I am missing out on all the military experiences. I chose to live in a state with no military installation and therefore no military support system. I chose to be long-distance through this deployment and most of our relationship.

Involving myself in the ball and other military ceremonies and events is the way I contribute. It's the way I stay involved. And frankly, it's fun. To me, it serves as a way to enjoy what we just endured together - Sort of like a "thank you" party. Kick back, drink and have a little fun to end such a difficult adventure.

Al is NOT Mr. Military in ANY way. He's very behind-the-scenes about his job and would rather slit his eyes then be involved in these events. I realize how little he wants to be a part of it, but I am equally adamant about why I WANT to be a part of it.

So, I put this out there, to my fellow (particularly Army) milSO's:

Have you been to the Ball?

What did you think of it?

How does your husband feel about them?

Any other details I should know or advice you have?