Life Lesson #2: Guard your heart and your body

{part 2 of a 6-part series of lessons I've learned through my life's journey.}

{This particular post is pretty personal, so I apologize in advance. It's also very long.}

Since I grew up in such a religious household, one of the major concepts predominant in my life was purity. The idea that one's virginity was a gift to give to one's future husband. It was not only a continual trend in my church life, but it was reiterated in abstinence-based health class AND in my home life. I certainly can't say that was a bad thing.

Although when my spiritual life took the turn that it did, some of my life views went along with it. I looked at things less like a strict rule and more like a guideline of morality that can be interpreted different ways depending on my circumstances. And I believe that's still true.

Nevertheless, when I first walked away and started my journey of figuring out what I really believed, I didn't make the best decisions. I was 18 and headed off to college, after all. It was the time for experimentation. It was time to try new things and learn who I was.

Let me back up a bit before I continue with the story. When I was 16 I got a job at Wal-mart. It was actually a brand new location opening up and I knew one of the managers so I got a job pretty easily. And I stayed for two years. During this time, I met a nice guy (who we'll call D) who became a great friend of mine. He was 5 years older than me and charming as all get out. I crushed on him pretty hard and spent a few years cultivating a great friendship (although I always wanted more, he did a good job of keeping me around - man, was I young and stupid!) Even so, I considered him a great friend and someone I really trusted.

Fast forward...I'm 19 and in my first year of college (experimenting, remember.) I'd been to my first keg party and had been on a few dates here and there. I got my tongue pierced and a tattoo. Plus, I had decided along the way that I was ready to lose my virginity. I still didn't want it to be a one-night-stand or some random person I didn't know very well; but I didn't feel the same way about virginity being a precious flower for your husband's garden. (The movie Now and Then, anyone? ha ha.)

So, when I was home on break I spent some time with D and decided since we'd been friends for so long that he was the perfect person to lose my virginity to. I mean, I trusted him, right? I never really had any real conversation with him and I certainly wasn't confident enough to ask the right questions (ie: do you have a condom? do you know I'm still a virgin? etc...) Even so, I thought I was ready and I spent the night. And we had sex.

The first time is never good, but mine was worse. In retrospect I'm sure it had a lot to do with not having feelings for the person. As I've determined in my many years and the partners I've had since, sex really, REALLY is better when you love someone. I digress...

The sex was terrible. It was awkward and completely uninteresting. Half-way (about 1 minute) into it, I almost started laughing. What was the big deal about this sex thing anyway? How can people think it's that good when this is all there is? Another 60 seconds later and he went outside for a cigarette. OK. Thanks.

He came back with a glass of water. It was the least he could do, I guess. I remember sitting there in the dark, putting my clothes back on feeling so extremely weird. I told him it was my first time and he said, "oh, I didn't know." (Of course not, you can't read minds, I thought.) I left in the morning headed over to my BFF's house. She said almost immediately that she knew and didn't say anything until we were in the car on our way back to college later that afternoon.

6 months later I'm at Planned Parenthood (getting birth control because I didn't have health insurance.) I'm in stirrup-position, high-and-dry, and the doctor tells me she'll be right back. A few minutes later she returns and tells me she's done. I get dressed and she writes my prescription. Before I leave, she pulls me into another room and sits me down.

Dr.: "You have HPV."

Me: {blank stare}

Dr.: "It's a sexually transmitted disease. Are you sexually active?"

Me: "Umm..."

{Active? No. Not with multiple partners. There was D, and then my current boyfriend.}

Me: "Not really, I mean, umm...I've had sex."

Dr.: "Well, do you know anything about HPV?"

Me: {shakes head}

Dr.: "I'll get you some information, but I can tell you the basics right now."

I sat there for 20 minutes while she rattled off the facts. (18 different types; most curable or without symptoms; some permanent; 4 happen to cause cervical cancer.)

I had one of the 4.

I swallowed. Hard. What did all this mean?

I left the clinic with a huge stack of brochures and flyers about HPV.

Dr.: "You need to call all your sexual partners and tell them."

Huh? ALL my partners?

I cried the whole way home. I told my BFF, crying more. Once I calmed down, I called D.

When I finally got the words out, I awaited his reply.

D: "Well, I knew my previous girlfriend had it and that I probably got it from her. I didn't think it was a big deal. I mean, it doesn't affect me or anything."

I felt like I had been punched in the face. He knew and he didn't tell me. He knew and he didn't have the damn decency to give me all the facts before we had sex. On the other hand, I didn't ask either. I wasn't mature enough to even know the questions to ask, let along have the guts to ask them. I trusted him, so I figured he'd tell me if there was anything I needed to know. I never spoke to him again.

I had one abnormal pap smear, followed by a colposcopy. The results were a slew of pre-cancer cells on my cervix. No problem. Easily removable, the Dr. told me. No worry of cancer or anything, just a precaution. So I had the cells removed and was told I needed to return every 4-6 months for follow-up screenings. To this day, I am VERY aware of my health, especially of my female parts.

I spent the next couple months feeling extremely down. I was sure I had a neon sign on my forehead that read "dirty STD girl." I was sure people could tell and thought I was a whore. The only thing that got me through, besides my family and friends, was that I read A LOT about it. I wanted to know everything I could.

My HPV makes me more susceptible to cancer and other STD's. It may interfere with childbirth or even the ability to conceive, although it's rare. It can cause cervical displaysia or other conditions of the cervix. (Every year, 12000 women are diagnosed with cervical cancer and 70% of them are women with HPV.) There are many other minor symptoms or inconveniences, but those are the worst. I've had "the talk" with every partner I've had since then. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have it any other way. I couldn't do to someone else what he did to me, especially someone I cared about. The good news is that it doesn't affect men really at all. They can get lesions or genital warts (the main physical symptom of HPV), but the worst is that they can carry it an pass it on to their future partners.

So I made sure to tell every one of them so they could do the same going forward. I also took it upon myself to educate my friends on the virus and how to prevent it.

{Quick note: If you've never had the Gardasil injection, DO IT! Even if you're monogamous or married, or if you already have HPV. There are many strands and you can never be too protected.}

The biggest lesson that came from this was the following:

It doesn't matter how much you trust someone, it is solely a woman's responsibility to protect themselves. It is MY responsibility to ASK for a condom. To ask if they've been tested. To ask for double birth control. It's MY responsibility to protect my heart AND my body. In a defiant effort to lose my virginity rather then "gift it" to my future husband, I ended up with an entirely different "present" altogether. I can never take it back. But I can do my best to protect myself and my future family. I hope you gals do the same.