Emotional pain can manifest physically

I'm ill. I'm not physically sick. I'm phsyically hurting over everything that has happened emotionally the last few days.

{Before you worry too much, Al is fine. We are doing excellent and he is safe. This is regarding S.}

As I mentioned previously, he came home this weekend. Well, he was home all of 20 hours. He and KA woke up the next morning, packed his stuff into two pick up trucks and left. He left his keys under the mat.

He text me and asked if I wanted to buy his couches from him.

Umm, no. Those couches are ugly. And he got them for free from his parents.

(Remember, I went to help you pick them up 12 months ago when we were still friends.)

I asked if he was going to be around to help clean and check out of our place.

He said no, but he'd clean his room.

(FYI: running a vaccuum isn't cleaning. At least not when it comes to checking out of an apartment. You wouldn't know that since you've never done this before.)

I asked what he wanted to do about the deposit. They are not able to split it up and need written permission to disburse it to one of us over the other.

He said he'd sign something if I wrote it. I told him I would.

(As always.)

I asked him if I could be reimbursed out of the deposit for the $100 I paid to replace the mini-blinds, repair the towel rack in the bathroom and steam clean the apartment.

The steam cleaning is required; I'm not just finding extravagant ways of taking advantage of him. He said he didn't think that was fair.

His reason: he just paid for two months of rent and didn't live there.

(News flash: the lease requires a TWO MONTH notice in order to move out. You would have had to do that regardless of our situation. I didn't hold you hostage in our lease. Also, I thought the fact that I was paying utilities on my own for those two months was to alleviate that expense for you.)

I asked if he thought not living there for 2 months meant he should get out of the cleaning/paying for the 10 months he did live there.

He didn't respond.

I asked if it was fair that I was left with the cleaning by myself; I was left to pay to repair the two things HE broke while living there; I was left to pay for steam cleaning per the requirements of our lease.

No response.

I finally said that I would bring the sheet on Thursday for him to sign. I am tired of fighting and would rather split the deposit down the middle if he thinks that's fair, even if I don't.

(I didn't want this to happen this way. I was trying to be as fair as possible. I never kept a running balance of all the money you owed me while we lived together. I never wrote down every time I bought a cleaning supply, paper towel roll or case of pop for our place. I never wrote down all the months you paid me rent or utilities late. I never wrote down the amount of utilities, rent and food that KA used when she stayed there. If you want to look at numbers, I can play hardball too.)

I'm tired. I'm sad.

I'd rather cut my losses and walk away.

I feel like I'm going through a divorce and we're fighting over the lawnmower.

It's not worth it. It's not worth my happiness or my sanity.

I was listening to the Dixie Chicks, "Not Ready to Make Nice."

"I'm not ready to make nice,

I'm not ready to back down,

I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time

To go 'round and 'round and 'round.

It's too late to make it right,

Probably wouldn't if I could,

I'm still mad as hell and can't bring myself

To do what it is you think I should."

I'm too mad to think about a resolution right now. I can forgive him. Eventually.

But for now, I need my space. I need time. I need to move on from it.

Once I've done that then maybe I'll reach out.

(I'm not stupid. I know I'll need to mend ties with KA too. I know you love her and you're already talking marriage. I know you are so devoted to her you don't have room for anyone else. I know if I want to be in your life, she'll have to be too.)

I can forgive him.

(I thought you'd be Uncle S to my kids. I thought you'd be over for Thanksgiving and Fourth of July. Maybe someday you still will be. But respect and trust are hard things to earn back. I hope you'll be up for trying once the dust settles and the wounds heal.)

I know I'll try. I promised his mother I would. I promised myself I would. I owe it to myself.

(I love you. I always will. Most of all, I wish you happiness and health forever.)