Al and I have spent a lot of time recently having "the ring talk!"
I sent him a link to a gf's ring on FB, which unintentionally spurred a conversation.
"What kind of ring do you want? It will cost HOW much? Why's it so important?"
The first thing we established is that we DEFINITELY want to spent our lives together.
Unfortunately, that was the only thing we agreed on at first.
The hard part about this conversation is the timing. I was ill for the last couple of days and about to start summer class. He had a minor surgery in Iraq, but it left him in a lot of pain and highly medicated. This, OF COURSE, was the time we choose to have this talk. Which should have been the first indicator it wouldn't go as planned.
As we started mulling over the ring, the cost and all the details, we both got more frustrated. I thought his "high price mark" was low and he thought I was high. He thought I was crazy when I retorted with my own. He wants to save money on the rock and put it towards a house, car, etc... And I'm torn.
I'm torn between the practical, responsible part of me that really respects the idea of saving for the bigger things in our future - AND - the little girl inside me that wants the big, shiny rock on my finger, no matter the cost.
Of course I know the rule is that it should cost the equivalent of 3 months of his salary.
Of course I know that it isn't fair for him to put his hard-earned savings towards a silly diamond.
Of course I don't need a big, fancy ring to symbolize how much I love him, make our bond any stronger, OR ensure a long and happy marriage.
So, how do I answer the question? How do you explain to the man you love that you want to spend your life with him? How do you explain that even though the ring size or ring cost DOES NOT matter in the grand view of our future together, it being a special ring is important to me. This is what I came up with:
The ring, as we know, symbolizes the bond between two people. It symbolizes a commitment that two people are making to be with each other, exclusively and eternally. To women, it symbolizes more than that. It is (usually) the first big purchase and the first step the man makes (often on his own, or with a small amount of input from his girl) to show his girl just how much he means. It's not about the size or the cost. It's about the effort. It's about that guy putting everything he has into a ring and a proposal and putting that smile on her face. It's a symbol of the level of commitment to their wedding, their marriage and their future together. And there's a little girl inside every women that wants to be treated like a princess, even if only in one small way.
So, we took a deep breath and decided to revisit the subject later on. It's not like we can do anything about it while he's over there, and we're certainly not in a hurry. For now, I'm happy that we are both on the same page - we both want a future together.
The idea that some day, he will put a ring on my finger; Some day we will commit to each other and be together, forever; is more than enough.
11 comments:
Oh Ben and I have visited that topic many many times. And we have looked, well I have looked and send him pictures as well. So glad I;m not the only one!
I really like that you posted this. C and I were the opposite of you and Al. I couldn't fathom spending any money on an engagement ring (because I'm cheap like that!), and C felt we should. He never fully explained it to me, but he said something along the lines of what you just wrote. You've given me a greater insight into his mind...four years after the fact! Thank you for posting this! =)
P.S. I'm going to have the Beyonce song in my head for the rest of the day! =)
Tell him to check out USAA.com D got my diamond through them, its really beautiful and he got a great deal on it - then get your band at a jewler they will set the stone for you and remember you can always upgrade either or at your anniversery(s) :)
A ring is a ring. I still have my first one. I was 19 & he was 20 years old living in the barracks at a LCPL...so $$$ wasn't something we had to spend on a ring. We were blessed with a $700 check for a honeymoon which my LoverBoy insisted to by a ring for me instead, so we did. We didn't take a honeymoon & I got a beautiful ring for under what we had. It was white gold & all the diamonds were real except the larger one which no one EVER knew unless we told them. I love it still because of the story behind it...but I'm a sucker for diamonds & my hubby knows it. My first ring sits in my jewelry box waiting for my daughter & now a 3 carat (total weight, not solitaire...but I'd love that too...LOL) sits on my finger after 6 years of marriage, because we could afford it last year & now it's completely paid off! I also have my beautiful Claddagh ring tattoo, that means everything to me! :o))) Anyways...just look around! We get ours at Kay's because they have great diamonds & when & if you want to upgrade they give you what you paid! :o)))
It's funny how this subject sparks such a variety of responses. Everyone feels a little different but I have to say, not many people regret a nice ring (unless it's so big you can't comfortably wear it.)
I know that I likely would not have asked Scott to spend what he did, but I do have this part of me that's secretly thrilled that he thought it was even more important than I did, because I'm worth it darn it! :) Seriously, it's not a deal breaker, and if it is, don't get married that's for sure. But on the other hand, as a guy, I sure would not want my lady to wear something that would have people talking for any reason other than it was special. Just sayin...
I went through this exact conversation. I think I was one of the lucky ones. I let my standard be known and he worked his ASS off. I felt so lucky not because of the bling on my finger but because to me, the fact that he sacrificed his daily splurges so he could surprise me with exactly what I wanted. That meant to me that I was more important and that he was willing to give things up to be with me. It's not a matter of price or the size of the diamond. It's honestly how you feel when you wear it. Everyday, I feel and KNOW that I am extremely lucky.
Hey all. Al's been trying to get his two cents in on this for a couple of days, but with the Iraqi internet he's dealing with, he was not able to post it. Therefore, I offered to do it for him. So, here goes:
This is all great insight, now I will share my views...Get a beautiful ring for between 4-7k save the other 5 or 6 grand for extra down payment on a house (which by the way, over a 30 year mortgage translates into around $15,000 less with even the best APR or possibly years off the mortgage) If heaven for bid 5 years from now I am injured or killed, that will mean that much less burden for her and our children.
I could go out and finance a 10-12 thousand dollar ring and put us further into debt when we are first starting off (probably not a good idea when debt and money is the #1 reason for divorce)
Which leaves me at the last idea, paying outright for the ring, which by the time I am planning on getting it would be possible at that price, but it will leave me very low on liquid funds. She doesnt have a job yet(obviously she is still in school) and my plan is to get out of the Military around the same time she is finished with her law degree. What if the economy still sucks? (keep voting in shit heads and it will, I promise) Boils down to this for me: I think that she deserves the biggest most expensive ring and the best of the best, I am not going out and spending the money that I would have spent on the ring on anything else, I am saving it for us(she pretty much knows my budget and finances and she could vouch for me on that) But the biggest and best ring wont make us any better off if we have a rough month and cant pay our mortgage. I could be the poster boy for the "what if?" in almost everything I do I always start out thinking about what can go wrong and try to put in place measures to eliminate the possibilities. If we have a great first few years financially, she can expect to be showered with gifts and the things she has always wanted. If we have a rough first few years, I want to make sure that she has a roof over her head and clothes on her back. Sorry this is so long but I have said my piece :) Al
All I'm saying is that your logic is irrefutable :)
I'm a big fan of the upgrading the ring later idea. The ring that you guys might be able to buy now (while in law school and Iraq) doesn't have to be the ring that you'll wear for the rest of your life.
My ring cost $500. Plus some more for the wedding band later on. Once I've graduated, we've paid off some loans, etc, I'm planning on having the original stone re-set in a big shiny diamond-y rock.
Oh man, this sounds familiar! C and I go over this alot too. A ring to him is not necessary ( apparently though nice expensive tv's are because they actually do something.... ?) If you figure out the answer please let me know! My theory is that I don't ask for much and this one piece of jewelry should be nice so that we don't have to buy another later/upgrade. With that said I don't want him spending over 1,600$ on a ring, to me that is ridiculous....
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