I got my second negative pregnancy test a couple weeks ago.
The good part was that Al was here to share the experience with me.
The bad part should be quite obvious.
I didn't expect it to be easy, necessarily. I didn't think I would get pregnant immediately.
But I did think that when we got lucky enough to be together during two ovulation cycles that maybe it could happen.
We had a small window. If I were able to conceive between October and February, we would be fine on the timeline. I would be working, studying for the "big test" and it would feasible. If I get pregnant any time after February, well, not so much. The test results come in October, right along with those hefty loan payments and if I'm not employed, we only have about 3 months of buffer before we're really screwed. Adding a baby to the mix is just too risky.
We want to bring a child into a financially stable situation. We want to afford the necessities of life, and a few extras. We want to know (as much as one can) that the bills are getting paid and food is on the table. I know there is no "perfect time." I know that babies are expensive no matter when you have them. I also know what it's like to grow up in a house where decisions were made every day between buying bread and paying the phone bill. While my mom did a stellar job of providing what we needed, I just don't want that life for my child.
Even while I type this out, and see it in black and white...
Even though I know that waiting for a better time is the responsible thing to do...
It breaks my heart.
It's like un-ringing a bell. I was ready. I am ready.
I want to be a mother. I really want to make Al a father.
That is going to be one great kid (and a total pain in the ass, God help us!)
I am ready. And now I have to wait.
3 comments:
Melissa,
It will happen when it happens and the best thing you can do is to pray about it. God will give you the desires of your heart, of course they must also be in line with His will for your life. I think God would want you to have children. Kids are expensive, as you know I have five of them. I've been broke ever since, but it has been worth it!! Nothing beats having a little one or two around to bring joy and happiness into your life.
I think about this (obviously, for a second baby) every single day. Timing and finances are so annoying sometimes. :(
I'm sorry. I know how grating it is to hear "Oh, when the time is right, it'll happen" or "Don't worry, one day, just wait." I won't say that. Just know that I'm thinking of you.
Post a Comment