On being honest with myself, and finding the happiness I desperately need

It has been a while since I sat down and wrote a post that exposed myself. A post that is real. Honest. Open. But I realized recently that it is vital that I do so.

I realized that it is time I stop lying to myself. It is time I start to face reality and for me that means sharing it with you. When the truth is on paper (e-paper, at least) it's much harder to deny. Harder to ignore. And I just can't ignore it anymore.

Prior to our trip we were fighting. A lot. Usually over little things, but mostly just a constant irritation with each other. I was spending time doing my own thing and he was doing his. We were both avoiding the conflict. I was avoiding it because I didn't know what it was. I didn't know why I was annoyed by everything he did or why I felt like I was more of a nagging mother than a loving wife. His response was to act more childish or close off completely. 

Going home to Minnesota was a wake-up call. I was rejuvenated and happy. I felt like myself. That trip made me realize there wasn't anything wrong with our marriage, or how we were dealing with it. There was something wrong with me. In fact, I have always said that you have to be a complete, happy self before you can have a happy union. That was the problem. 

I wasn't happy with me. And therefore I wasn't happy with him. Or with us.

I wasn't happy that my entire existence felt like it revolved around him. I felt like every waking moment of my life was spent thinking about his happiness and keeping the house in order. Very little time was spent on my interests. Don't get me wrong, our marriage should be a priority. His happiness should be a constant consideration of mine. But it shouldn't be the only one. I am not a housewife - I don't enjoy it and I'm not good at it. 

I want a career. A busy, thriving, exciting career. I want a reason to get up every morning and put on a suit, grab a thermos of coffee, and join the hustle and bustle of the business world. I want to build business relationships in the community. I want to challenge myself. To learn new things. I want to use the degrees I worked so hard for and, most importantly, do the job I was meant to do. 

I want fulfilling friendships. I want girlfriends that feel like family and relationships that challenge my thoughts and feelings. I want to join a bowling league or softball team or something else that gets me active and meeting new people. I want to incorporate fun into my week by doing things that I enjoy.

I want to get back to the basics in my marriage. I want to have adventures - to get in the car and drive somewhere. To make each other laugh. To be active by hiking and swimming and other sports we enjoy. I want to do puzzles and play board games and cuddle up and talk for hours. 

These are all things I had in Minnesota. These are the things that make me happy.

And I have them here too. I've met some amazing people and started some wonderful friendships. I began a career and although it is slow, it is fulfilling. We have our own home in a beautiful city and there is so much to do here. But it is time that I build on that foundation - that I advance my career even further, that I make those friendships even stronger, and that I push myself to try new things. It is time that I let go of the little things that are weighing me down and focus on my blessings. It is time that I make the improvements I want to see, to get past the holding pattern I feel stuck in, and make the change. It is time to be happy.

One evening, Al and I were sitting in my car after running errands and I started crying. I told him everything. He held me while I blabbered through the details and sniffled through the silent moments. He told me that he understood; that he wanted all those things for me; that he had been ignoring some of his desires as well, and that we would help each through the transition. 45 minutes later, I was emotionally drained but hopeful that things were going to be better. I was going to be better.

Now is the moment to take this wonderful life I've been blessed with and turn it into exactly the life I want. Now is the time for that change. It is a new year, with new possibilities and I will be damned if I don't take advantage of that. Now is the time. Now is my time.